ADHD Chaz Stars in:

Rip Rip Rip

Brush. Warmth. Fingernails drag along.

Join my hand and I shall be the leader of this adventure. I will make what I want happen. I will make it be my future. I will make it be. Drag her into the picture like a screaming toddler. Laughing so.

If only this was drug induced...

I do not want you to be mine. I do not want to take posession.

I just want to join with you. Be a part of you, combine our pieces, construct a better being. Experience each other in ways thought unheard of. Add everything that I am to the table in hopes that you may find a superior part or two. Get more perfect. In exchange, I just want to be a part of your dimension. Adorable little creatures flutter about and you fly between my senses like a wonderfully smelling buzzing fly.

Restore the possibilities. All the things that I want to do in my life, are they things that I was destined to do but somehow heard of my future from inside my head which led me to have the desire to do these things? Paradox.

Your lips have never been sweeter.

When we meet Face to Face, Skin to Skin, lips to lips, hand in hand, never let go.

Into my dreams, into my delerium.

Her insides felt so perfect and extracted every last ounce of dignigty from my bones.

All Morning Long

I am just going to lay here all morning long just thinking about you. What would life be like if we were together? It seems to be so magical and perfect. Such amazing things would happen but I know it will never ever happen. I am nowhere as amazing as I need to be in order to capture your interest again. I am just a pretty little doll to keep on the shelf but never truly think about playing with. There are far prettier and far more active dolls for that.

I am simply a reject. For I shall always be, if I were just a bit more attractive, a bit more amazing, a bit more tall, and maybe a bit less depressed all the time? The St John’s Wort hasn’t seem to have done much. $20 for a placebo? I’m not sure it is money well spent.

For all the girls I see, throughout the internet and in real life, none never ever ever EVER compare to you.  What sort of moron would really be able to get past you? You are hotter and cuter than anyone I have ever known. Your personality makes my insides turn into butterfly bats on a daily basis. How can this be a mistake? How can my insides be lying?

It just isn’t fair. Why were you introduced into my life simply to turn me down? I want you. I want you more than ever. But as more time goes on and I get more obsessive, more desperate for you, the less attractive I’ll be, the less desirable I’ll be. I just wish I could forget about you and walk away. But then again, if I did.. I think I would just collapse because my life would hold no meaning.

I would just be living by myself in a small room wishing that anyone would talk to me, anyone would like me, that someone would care. I love that you care. I adore it. I wish I could just be weird enough, be crazy enough to capture your interest.

Will I forever be caught in this limbo? Wanting you and knowing you’ll most likely never want me back? Not wanting anyone else because everyone else is inferior and a mockery/travesty to your marvelous existence? I want you. I want you. It makes me sick how badly I want a hug from you. It makes me disgusted to know how much money and possession I would give away just for another kiss.

I should end. I should go away. If I were dead, life would be much better for me and for you.

It is Sick

I wrote it for you. Before I knew you. It all made sense, it was all complete.
Filling each of my senses with another answer. Then suddenly I was smacked.
I do not recall feeling such surprise with life before this.

Such admiration, such curiosity about this wild creature that has fallen into my lap. I want to play with her, thus, but she has continued to elude me. Her thoughts run like a tornado. Their taste is delicious but only becomes more beautiful to eat and enjoy from there.

You walking into my room with intent. Walking into my life with exuberance. My hand belongs in yours, waiting for you to lead me to the next step. You are the prophet, you are the savior. Why am I not the god inside of your head? Why am I not the idol that you pray upon?

It makes no sense otherwise.
Very little sense and no sense.

Orange and black. My insides giggle and delight at the playfulness.
It makes me ache and makes me turn my head away.

You darling abyss, you darling impossibility, you darling kiss.
Impossible but sweeter than any candy. Total and far from complete.

Forgetting your god, what is real, what is there. Childish desire or adult insight?

Threatened with force and destructive assets.
Rip into you. Make you pay. Make you pay.
I am not a toy. I am not. I am not to be played with.
Torture and pain. Blood dripping from my lips, kissing your perfect wound.

Laying with infinite regret. Destroying today so tomorrow may come to rescue.
If I get to a faster tomorrow, can I find yesterday? Can I live the illusion, again?

Test run? I am not a test. I am not a test animal. Desired.
Chains, and bruises painfully around your neck.
Did you think you would get away with it?

Favorite taste, addicted to the unreachable reality and sorrow.
Doomed to fail, doomed to expire, doomed to hide. Doomed.

Naturally alone and waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
You will never see it coming. Mine to keep.

I keep waking up. I keep waking! Stop! I just need it to be real.
Please, let it be real. Let the longing for you just be limited to when I am working. Let the longing be satisfied at night where I can touch and pleasure.

Take pleasure in your existence and power eternal.
I was never meant to be. I was never implicitly allowed entry.
Denied. Denied. Access denied.

Staring at you with binoculars in the same room. No matter how close I get, I will always be too far away. I will always be across the gap. I will only linger and die hoping you might show my corpse the loving that my body only wished for.

Just the crunch of the blade, just the red sea burst forth, for you to play in, for you to forget about and swim through like a blood drowning victim.

They’ll always float to the top after dying at the bottom.
Every punch and slap are another mark, another reminder to you.
You will pay for the rest of your life and I will destroy you.

Little dream in which I date another, but your jealousy takes the better of you. You perform all the things on me when I feel wrong in such perfect moments, that you must keep me as your own even though you never wanted me. It is sick. Sick.

Nothing makes sense.

Overwhelming confusion and disaster.

I do not know where I belong. But I just want to be laying next to you until I figure it out.

I do not want to expect, I do not want to take.

I just want to be, with you, and exist with you however things happen to make sense in that moment.

But I do want to be free with you and not exist behind a barrier.

Restraint is not one of my better virtues.

I just want to be free to be me and to titillate your senses.

Goosebumps across your entire body.

There is a connection here. There is something I cannot explain underneath the hood of reality for both of us. As long as I feel this confusing supernatural feeling, I cannot let go, I cannot move on.

You accepted me once, obsession and all. Sick and twisted sexual fantasies too. You are a confused young girl, too. Who the fuck are you say that the tide of things will not change? I never want to stop being your best friend but I also wish us to grow something on top of that.

At the very end of the night, after you go to sleep, and I am sitting there in the dark under the covers letting a tear fall to my chest. I stop and I demand of reality: that I will be sitting opposite your mother, holding your left hand at your first movie premier. Wearing the best suit I have ever worn in my life and you looking more beautiful than I had ever thought possible, such radiance and perfection.

A mortal boy like me will have a long road to ever be able to find a chance with the supernatural creature that is you. Maybe you will just hack me to bits before I ever get the chance.